The Group Date

Looking back, many of us can remember our first dates, significant others, etc. And, if this milestone happened in middle school, we can assume it happened as part of a group activity, otherwise known as the group date. Partially due to parental mandate, partially meant to make things more comfortable, the group date allowed for a safe place for hand holding etc. Everyone was happy.

As we got older, the group date tapered off as we fought for our independence from our parents, looking for something more private. We’d search for intimate settings that let us, for lack of a better phrase, get to know each other better. For better or worse, it allowed us to get to know the other person outside of a crowded social situation and, if he/she turned out to be just as fantastic one on one, we could decide to possibly move forward toward something greater. I think it’s safe to say that this is all part of growing up, maturing etc…so why is it that, now more than ever, I’m seeing a reemergence of the group date?

The scenario seems to play out as follows: Guy meets Girl & they hit it off. Guy invites her to meet up with him and tells her to bring friends (since he clearly can’t part with his own for one night). Guy & friends hang out with Girl & friends. Guy & Girl drunkenly make out/hook up. Repeat(s). Girl talks about dating, Guy panics and that’s not what he’s looking for. Making out/hooking up tapers off. Guy meets another Girl, the cycle continues.

So why, after all of that time and effort dedicated to growing up, are we regressing? The short answer - because it’s easier. The demands of being a responsible adult in Manhattan can be a massive burden and, with the ever-increasing pressure, it’s no surprise that something’s got to give. And the easiest place to let go is within the relational sphere.

Being non-committal with a girl allows the guy to feel like he is in charge of at least one area of his life, which is more than he can say about anything else he does. The workplace is so oppressive, so this is a place where he can counterbalance that and assert himself. However, looking at it with a lens toward the past, it seems a bit counterintuitive. We used to assert ourselves by becoming more intimate with someone, not shutting them out.

So, that being said, using a group date situation so you don’t have to man up and assert yourself seems like a bit of a cop out, don’t you think?

2010, the Year of the Words

One of the thing that constantly blows my mind is our generation's inability to communicate with one another. We've grown up with countless communication solutions, mechanisms that even allow us to "over share." We're able talk to the same person on five different platforms, but we can't quite seem to figure out how to clearly express the most simple things like what we want or what we need. And, it has put us in a position that stunts both personal and relational growth.

When we're learning to speak as young children, the first things we learn how to say are expressions of what we need. Whether it was food, a diaper change, or a hug, we were clearly able to tell our parents how to turn off our tears with basic communication measures. But as we grow up, we begin to learn that being direct is not necessarily the best way to get what we want, and that avoiding a difficult subject usually is easier than confronting an issue outright. So, by the time we're adults, the fundamentals of communication that we learn as young children are long gone, only to be replaced with sporadic text messages, pointed Facebook status updates, and my personal favorite, the "missing in action", a disappearing act in which the person resurfaces only when they feel confident that the issue at hand has blown over.

We've all been privy to at least some of the lackluster methods of communication that I've described, especially in the realm of dating, and we've probably even resorted to a few of them ourselves. Being up front, being honest, is the most difficult thing in the world. No one likes to be the bad guy, the person who hurts someone else, because it makes us feel bad as well. So instead we avoid, we deflect the situation and hope that the other person will "get the hint" so that both parties can move on without actually having to confront the issue(s) at hand. The problem with this is that avoidance doesn't offer closure. It leaves lingering questions, feelings etc, and the person on the receiving side ends up spending more time thinking about the "whys" and "what ifs" instead of taking that time to do what they need to move on.

The good news is, there's a quick fix to all of this. Use your words. Simple, yes? If we stop spending some much time trying to figure out how to manipulate situations, give less thought to the games we play and just talk to each other about what we want, and what we need, it'll be a hell of a lot easier to get exactly that. Since we consider ourselves to be adults, let's start acting like it by embracing our ability to use our vast vocabularies to be straight with each other. It's a new year - embrace the change. I've deemed 2010 the year of the words, because we're at a point in our lives where this behavior is just not acceptable anymore. So, I'll say it again and again and again and again - grow up and use your words.

The Micro-Relationship

In the early part of this year, I dated a guy who seemed to look a lot like Mr. Right. While not my typical type in the looks department, he still fit into the majority of the criteria of what I look for in a partner – funny, well-educated, driven, successful, great conversationalist and, of course, that spark. We had this whirlwind of a thing going – he would consistently request to spend more and more time together, I would consistently panic about it internally because – let’s be real here – this is not the type of thing that usually happens.

After about 3 and a half weeks, I’d spent more time with him than a significant portion of the guys I’ve dated in New York over the past 3 years. We went to an intimate dinner party with his senior colleagues at work, and I finally started to get comfortable with the idea of actually liking him back. After another week of great times together, I left his apartment on a Saturday afternoon and, by 6 PM that same evening, we were finished. What happened, you might ask? I wish I could tell you.

Still reeling from what had happened, the next day I sat down to try to figure things out. There were no signs of trouble like some I had seen in the past (guys pulling away, going MIA etc) and no external triggers that could have caused such a rapid change of heart, at least that I was aware of. T suggested that maybe it was just how he worked – a thought that hadn’t really crossed my mind. Had I stumbled upon a new method of dating that I just wasn’t aware of?

We all know that the first few months of dating are really the period where you evaluate your partner and decide if it’s something you want to continue moving forward on a more serious basis. But this was different – it was a micro-relationship. We breezed through the get-to-know-you phased in the first week and a half based on the significant amount of time spent together, moving on to learning each others’ quirks and qualities and embracing them. Friends were introduced, family issues discussed – by week three we had surpassed much of what typically takes place in months 2 & 3. So, week 5 easily caught us up to that key decision window.

Now, there are a few positive things that can come out of having a micro-relationship – you skip a lot of the games/bullshit and really focus on getting to know the other person, and you more quickly arrive at a definitive answer on moving forward so you don’t “waste” a lot of time getting there.

However, what it means from an emotional standpoint is entirely different. The more focused on each other you are, and the more time you spend together, the more involved you become emotionally. This type of relationship model encourages investing in each other, which is typically something reserved for the post-commitment phase. Micro-relationships force us to defy our self-inflicted boundaries, putting us out of our comfort zone so that we're toes over the edge ready to jump in.

It’s incredibly important to be able to put yourself out there and take risks to find love – I’d never advocate against that. But if this micro-relationship business means being careless with someone's heart, then count me out.

Scoring On & Off The Field

As all of you are well aware, a few weeks ago was this fantastic event that we call the Super Bowl. One day a year, football becomes the spectator sport, appealing to sports lovers, music lovers, & advertising lovers (which basically encompasses the entire country). So what better day to head to a bar and partake in the excitement? And who knows, perhaps you'll meet some other like-minded counterparts of the opposite sex to enjoy it with while you're at it.

So, in honor of this American pastime, the girls and I grabbed a table at one of A's favorite football-watching haunts and planned for a low key night full of pitchers of beer, wings, chocolate cake & cheering for the Saints. But when we looked across the bar, we saw a gaggle of girls dressed to the nines - we'll call them the sparkle brigade. Now, I'm not really sure if their objective was to create a reflection that blinded people or inhibited any sort of ability for the bar to watch the game, but it definitely was a distraction. And not a good one.

Football, in its simplest, is all about gaining possession of the ball and working your way down the field toward the end zone to score - similarly, dating has plays, regulations and strategy, all aimed at getting to that ultimate goal - the ring. Most of the time, we don't even make it past the 50 yard line into something that even has a chance to get within range of a field goal, but we're constantly trying to regain possession of "the ball" and get to that touchdown.

The sparkle brigade made some key game time errors when it came to making their plays. The first set back - attire. Nothing signals trying too hard like wearing clubbing outfits to a sports bar in the middle of the afternoon. 15 yard penalty. Secondly, the fru-fru pink drinks may have been a little out of place. Know your audience, don't scare them away. Incomplete pass. Finally, the girls eventually received some attention near the end of the game, but it was from guys who by then had beer goggles on, which defeats the whole purpose of them meeting anyone who is organically interested/has substance. Maintain your self respect or don't expect a thing in return, outside of a one night stand. Interception, touchdown by the opposing team.

I may not know football very well, but I do know that, just like with dating, proper play is key if you want to move things forward. Do yourself a favor and don't forget what it takes for the sake of getting some attention, it'll only set you back in the game and, not surprisingly, get you quite the reputation. We all want to "move the chain" and improve our field position, so keep your game face on and take it one yard at a time. Sure, there may be fumbles, quarter back sacks and a lot of punting, but when you find the right receiver, don't be afraid to throw long. Because, when he/she makes that catch, it makes all of that game play completely worth it.

Does Success Really Mean Happiness?

I’ve seen women all over this city who are not the type who you’d typically consider to be “catches” with adoring men by their sides. And the question that constantly comes up is – why them, not us? Dating here is a nightmare - how did they manage to snag one of the good ones when I know so many fantastic women in Manhattan who are perpetually single, and not by choice. These women are successful, beautiful people who achieve incredible things. But is that actually what is at the root of the issue?

Central to understanding why this happens means taking a look at the definition of what success means. Many women, like myself, come to New York for a career. We are prepared to work incredibly hard for long hours to begin to define who we are as professionals. The ones who succeed at this are able to do three things:

1. Clearly identify their goals and a path as to how to achieve them
2. Actively go after said goals
3. Approach going after these goals with 100% confidence

So, if success was defined mathematically, it would look a bit like this:

Success = clarity + drive + confidence

However, what that also translates into is the idea of knowing exactly what you want. Typically seen as a positive attribute, it makes us more picky. We’ve obtained a skill set that allows us to evaluate things critically and that empowers us to refuse to settle. We select our partners so thoroughly that they end up hitting our highly-specified criteria, but do not necessarily give us what we need. This then leads to perpetual disappointment, followed by insecurities that creep in to new attempts based on past failures.

So how do we break this cycle of bad choices? First, we need to constantly re-evaluate our criteria. Part of learning/growing etc is about evolving, and that includes how we make decisions. More importantly though, we need to drop the baggage – it’s an inhibitor. A good friend at work mentioned to me that the biggest thing he sees girls do is sabotage themselves by not applying the same principle of confidence to their relationships that they do to their other activities.

Instead of constantly questioning, self-doubting etc, we need to start approaching relationships - and everything else - with the attitude of “I’m going to be amazing at this” – not in a cocky way, but in a way that preemptively connotes success. Maybe then we can get out of this cycle of over-analysis & self-doubt, sit back & just enjoy so that, even if it does end, we come out the better for it.

The Beginning

New York City, Center of the Universe. I'm a 20-something woman navigating this concrete jungle, actively climbing the corporate ladder at a digital advertising firm, living on my own in a tiny box that eats up half of my paycheck every month. Stability is not an option, but I've learned that if you can survive your first few years here without throwing in your hat, it turns out that you not only make it through, but you come out of the experience as a different person. A lot of that can simply be attributed to growing up.

We're forced to make difficult choices with limited resources, work hard & play hard, and basically start fresh with building relationships. There's a reason why they say that, while New York is the city with most life and people, it's also the loneliest. We proactively have to make a niche, and a mark, and that helps us more quickly define who we are that if we were living anywhere else.

One of the most important elements of making it here is ensuring that you have a group of people who you can trust, who are living and breathing this microcosm of a universe along with you. I couldn't have asked for a better one. Each one of them is an incredible woman - beautiful, highly successful, generous, caring, intelligent...well, you get the picture. And, each of them has helped craft the unique perspective that I hope to share with you within these posts.

• A is the honest one who doesn't mince words. A force to be reckoned with in the sports business, she tells it like it is and is always there to keep us grounded.
  
• R is our mother hen. She is a self-made tech mogul under 30 with wit, charm and impeccable taste, ready to conquer the world. She also throws the best parties.
  
• K is the quiet one, working in event marketing. Once you know her though, she's one of the best allies you'll have, as well as quite the outgoing companion.
  
• M is the spicy one, working in HR, constantly running in races and then joining us for drinks afterward. She is a great balance of saucy & sweet, and she's always got your back.
  
• T rocks our socks off, there's not much more that I can say. Between a job in accounting, volunteering all over the city, moving a million miles a minute & being the fabulous girl that she is, she keeps us inspired & smiling.
  

These are my people - we keep each other sane, and of course we have a blast together.

Now, I'm not claiming to be an expert on any of this, what it means to be who we are as we try to define ourselves here. To be honest, I'm not even close. But my friends and I have a story full of questions and qualms and lessons and aspirations, and we're living in a place that gives us the opportunity to start figuring it all out. So take it as you will, and I hope you'll come along for the ride.