2010, the Year of the Words

One of the thing that constantly blows my mind is our generation's inability to communicate with one another. We've grown up with countless communication solutions, mechanisms that even allow us to "over share." We're able talk to the same person on five different platforms, but we can't quite seem to figure out how to clearly express the most simple things like what we want or what we need. And, it has put us in a position that stunts both personal and relational growth.

When we're learning to speak as young children, the first things we learn how to say are expressions of what we need. Whether it was food, a diaper change, or a hug, we were clearly able to tell our parents how to turn off our tears with basic communication measures. But as we grow up, we begin to learn that being direct is not necessarily the best way to get what we want, and that avoiding a difficult subject usually is easier than confronting an issue outright. So, by the time we're adults, the fundamentals of communication that we learn as young children are long gone, only to be replaced with sporadic text messages, pointed Facebook status updates, and my personal favorite, the "missing in action", a disappearing act in which the person resurfaces only when they feel confident that the issue at hand has blown over.

We've all been privy to at least some of the lackluster methods of communication that I've described, especially in the realm of dating, and we've probably even resorted to a few of them ourselves. Being up front, being honest, is the most difficult thing in the world. No one likes to be the bad guy, the person who hurts someone else, because it makes us feel bad as well. So instead we avoid, we deflect the situation and hope that the other person will "get the hint" so that both parties can move on without actually having to confront the issue(s) at hand. The problem with this is that avoidance doesn't offer closure. It leaves lingering questions, feelings etc, and the person on the receiving side ends up spending more time thinking about the "whys" and "what ifs" instead of taking that time to do what they need to move on.

The good news is, there's a quick fix to all of this. Use your words. Simple, yes? If we stop spending some much time trying to figure out how to manipulate situations, give less thought to the games we play and just talk to each other about what we want, and what we need, it'll be a hell of a lot easier to get exactly that. Since we consider ourselves to be adults, let's start acting like it by embracing our ability to use our vast vocabularies to be straight with each other. It's a new year - embrace the change. I've deemed 2010 the year of the words, because we're at a point in our lives where this behavior is just not acceptable anymore. So, I'll say it again and again and again and again - grow up and use your words.

The Micro-Relationship

In the early part of this year, I dated a guy who seemed to look a lot like Mr. Right. While not my typical type in the looks department, he still fit into the majority of the criteria of what I look for in a partner – funny, well-educated, driven, successful, great conversationalist and, of course, that spark. We had this whirlwind of a thing going – he would consistently request to spend more and more time together, I would consistently panic about it internally because – let’s be real here – this is not the type of thing that usually happens.

After about 3 and a half weeks, I’d spent more time with him than a significant portion of the guys I’ve dated in New York over the past 3 years. We went to an intimate dinner party with his senior colleagues at work, and I finally started to get comfortable with the idea of actually liking him back. After another week of great times together, I left his apartment on a Saturday afternoon and, by 6 PM that same evening, we were finished. What happened, you might ask? I wish I could tell you.

Still reeling from what had happened, the next day I sat down to try to figure things out. There were no signs of trouble like some I had seen in the past (guys pulling away, going MIA etc) and no external triggers that could have caused such a rapid change of heart, at least that I was aware of. T suggested that maybe it was just how he worked – a thought that hadn’t really crossed my mind. Had I stumbled upon a new method of dating that I just wasn’t aware of?

We all know that the first few months of dating are really the period where you evaluate your partner and decide if it’s something you want to continue moving forward on a more serious basis. But this was different – it was a micro-relationship. We breezed through the get-to-know-you phased in the first week and a half based on the significant amount of time spent together, moving on to learning each others’ quirks and qualities and embracing them. Friends were introduced, family issues discussed – by week three we had surpassed much of what typically takes place in months 2 & 3. So, week 5 easily caught us up to that key decision window.

Now, there are a few positive things that can come out of having a micro-relationship – you skip a lot of the games/bullshit and really focus on getting to know the other person, and you more quickly arrive at a definitive answer on moving forward so you don’t “waste” a lot of time getting there.

However, what it means from an emotional standpoint is entirely different. The more focused on each other you are, and the more time you spend together, the more involved you become emotionally. This type of relationship model encourages investing in each other, which is typically something reserved for the post-commitment phase. Micro-relationships force us to defy our self-inflicted boundaries, putting us out of our comfort zone so that we're toes over the edge ready to jump in.

It’s incredibly important to be able to put yourself out there and take risks to find love – I’d never advocate against that. But if this micro-relationship business means being careless with someone's heart, then count me out.