In the early part of this year, I dated a guy who seemed to look a lot like Mr. Right. While not my typical type in the looks department, he still fit into the majority of the criteria of what I look for in a partner – funny, well-educated, driven, successful, great conversationalist and, of course, that spark. We had this whirlwind of a thing going – he would consistently request to spend more and more time together, I would consistently panic about it internally because – let’s be real here – this is not the type of thing that usually happens.
After about 3 and a half weeks, I’d spent more time with him than a significant portion of the guys I’ve dated in New York over the past 3 years. We went to an intimate dinner party with his senior colleagues at work, and I finally started to get comfortable with the idea of actually liking him back. After another week of great times together, I left his apartment on a Saturday afternoon and, by 6 PM that same evening, we were finished. What happened, you might ask? I wish I could tell you.
Still reeling from what had happened, the next day I sat down to try to figure things out. There were no signs of trouble like some I had seen in the past (guys pulling away, going MIA etc) and no external triggers that could have caused such a rapid change of heart, at least that I was aware of. T suggested that maybe it was just how he worked – a thought that hadn’t really crossed my mind. Had I stumbled upon a new method of dating that I just wasn’t aware of?
We all know that the first few months of dating are really the period where you evaluate your partner and decide if it’s something you want to continue moving forward on a more serious basis. But this was different – it was a micro-relationship. We breezed through the get-to-know-you phased in the first week and a half based on the significant amount of time spent together, moving on to learning each others’ quirks and qualities and embracing them. Friends were introduced, family issues discussed – by week three we had surpassed much of what typically takes place in months 2 & 3. So, week 5 easily caught us up to that key decision window.
Now, there are a few positive things that can come out of having a micro-relationship – you skip a lot of the games/bullshit and really focus on getting to know the other person, and you more quickly arrive at a definitive answer on moving forward so you don’t “waste” a lot of time getting there.
However, what it means from an emotional standpoint is entirely different. The more focused on each other you are, and the more time you spend together, the more involved you become emotionally. This type of relationship model encourages investing in each other, which is typically something reserved for the post-commitment phase. Micro-relationships force us to defy our self-inflicted boundaries, putting us out of our comfort zone so that we're toes over the edge ready to jump in.
It’s incredibly important to be able to put yourself out there and take risks to find love – I’d never advocate against that. But if this micro-relationship business means being careless with someone's heart, then count me out.
After about 3 and a half weeks, I’d spent more time with him than a significant portion of the guys I’ve dated in New York over the past 3 years. We went to an intimate dinner party with his senior colleagues at work, and I finally started to get comfortable with the idea of actually liking him back. After another week of great times together, I left his apartment on a Saturday afternoon and, by 6 PM that same evening, we were finished. What happened, you might ask? I wish I could tell you.
Still reeling from what had happened, the next day I sat down to try to figure things out. There were no signs of trouble like some I had seen in the past (guys pulling away, going MIA etc) and no external triggers that could have caused such a rapid change of heart, at least that I was aware of. T suggested that maybe it was just how he worked – a thought that hadn’t really crossed my mind. Had I stumbled upon a new method of dating that I just wasn’t aware of?
We all know that the first few months of dating are really the period where you evaluate your partner and decide if it’s something you want to continue moving forward on a more serious basis. But this was different – it was a micro-relationship. We breezed through the get-to-know-you phased in the first week and a half based on the significant amount of time spent together, moving on to learning each others’ quirks and qualities and embracing them. Friends were introduced, family issues discussed – by week three we had surpassed much of what typically takes place in months 2 & 3. So, week 5 easily caught us up to that key decision window.
Now, there are a few positive things that can come out of having a micro-relationship – you skip a lot of the games/bullshit and really focus on getting to know the other person, and you more quickly arrive at a definitive answer on moving forward so you don’t “waste” a lot of time getting there.
However, what it means from an emotional standpoint is entirely different. The more focused on each other you are, and the more time you spend together, the more involved you become emotionally. This type of relationship model encourages investing in each other, which is typically something reserved for the post-commitment phase. Micro-relationships force us to defy our self-inflicted boundaries, putting us out of our comfort zone so that we're toes over the edge ready to jump in.
It’s incredibly important to be able to put yourself out there and take risks to find love – I’d never advocate against that. But if this micro-relationship business means being careless with someone's heart, then count me out.
No comments:
Post a Comment