Scoring On & Off The Field

As all of you are well aware, a few weeks ago was this fantastic event that we call the Super Bowl. One day a year, football becomes the spectator sport, appealing to sports lovers, music lovers, & advertising lovers (which basically encompasses the entire country). So what better day to head to a bar and partake in the excitement? And who knows, perhaps you'll meet some other like-minded counterparts of the opposite sex to enjoy it with while you're at it.

So, in honor of this American pastime, the girls and I grabbed a table at one of A's favorite football-watching haunts and planned for a low key night full of pitchers of beer, wings, chocolate cake & cheering for the Saints. But when we looked across the bar, we saw a gaggle of girls dressed to the nines - we'll call them the sparkle brigade. Now, I'm not really sure if their objective was to create a reflection that blinded people or inhibited any sort of ability for the bar to watch the game, but it definitely was a distraction. And not a good one.

Football, in its simplest, is all about gaining possession of the ball and working your way down the field toward the end zone to score - similarly, dating has plays, regulations and strategy, all aimed at getting to that ultimate goal - the ring. Most of the time, we don't even make it past the 50 yard line into something that even has a chance to get within range of a field goal, but we're constantly trying to regain possession of "the ball" and get to that touchdown.

The sparkle brigade made some key game time errors when it came to making their plays. The first set back - attire. Nothing signals trying too hard like wearing clubbing outfits to a sports bar in the middle of the afternoon. 15 yard penalty. Secondly, the fru-fru pink drinks may have been a little out of place. Know your audience, don't scare them away. Incomplete pass. Finally, the girls eventually received some attention near the end of the game, but it was from guys who by then had beer goggles on, which defeats the whole purpose of them meeting anyone who is organically interested/has substance. Maintain your self respect or don't expect a thing in return, outside of a one night stand. Interception, touchdown by the opposing team.

I may not know football very well, but I do know that, just like with dating, proper play is key if you want to move things forward. Do yourself a favor and don't forget what it takes for the sake of getting some attention, it'll only set you back in the game and, not surprisingly, get you quite the reputation. We all want to "move the chain" and improve our field position, so keep your game face on and take it one yard at a time. Sure, there may be fumbles, quarter back sacks and a lot of punting, but when you find the right receiver, don't be afraid to throw long. Because, when he/she makes that catch, it makes all of that game play completely worth it.

Does Success Really Mean Happiness?

I’ve seen women all over this city who are not the type who you’d typically consider to be “catches” with adoring men by their sides. And the question that constantly comes up is – why them, not us? Dating here is a nightmare - how did they manage to snag one of the good ones when I know so many fantastic women in Manhattan who are perpetually single, and not by choice. These women are successful, beautiful people who achieve incredible things. But is that actually what is at the root of the issue?

Central to understanding why this happens means taking a look at the definition of what success means. Many women, like myself, come to New York for a career. We are prepared to work incredibly hard for long hours to begin to define who we are as professionals. The ones who succeed at this are able to do three things:

1. Clearly identify their goals and a path as to how to achieve them
2. Actively go after said goals
3. Approach going after these goals with 100% confidence

So, if success was defined mathematically, it would look a bit like this:

Success = clarity + drive + confidence

However, what that also translates into is the idea of knowing exactly what you want. Typically seen as a positive attribute, it makes us more picky. We’ve obtained a skill set that allows us to evaluate things critically and that empowers us to refuse to settle. We select our partners so thoroughly that they end up hitting our highly-specified criteria, but do not necessarily give us what we need. This then leads to perpetual disappointment, followed by insecurities that creep in to new attempts based on past failures.

So how do we break this cycle of bad choices? First, we need to constantly re-evaluate our criteria. Part of learning/growing etc is about evolving, and that includes how we make decisions. More importantly though, we need to drop the baggage – it’s an inhibitor. A good friend at work mentioned to me that the biggest thing he sees girls do is sabotage themselves by not applying the same principle of confidence to their relationships that they do to their other activities.

Instead of constantly questioning, self-doubting etc, we need to start approaching relationships - and everything else - with the attitude of “I’m going to be amazing at this” – not in a cocky way, but in a way that preemptively connotes success. Maybe then we can get out of this cycle of over-analysis & self-doubt, sit back & just enjoy so that, even if it does end, we come out the better for it.

The Beginning

New York City, Center of the Universe. I'm a 20-something woman navigating this concrete jungle, actively climbing the corporate ladder at a digital advertising firm, living on my own in a tiny box that eats up half of my paycheck every month. Stability is not an option, but I've learned that if you can survive your first few years here without throwing in your hat, it turns out that you not only make it through, but you come out of the experience as a different person. A lot of that can simply be attributed to growing up.

We're forced to make difficult choices with limited resources, work hard & play hard, and basically start fresh with building relationships. There's a reason why they say that, while New York is the city with most life and people, it's also the loneliest. We proactively have to make a niche, and a mark, and that helps us more quickly define who we are that if we were living anywhere else.

One of the most important elements of making it here is ensuring that you have a group of people who you can trust, who are living and breathing this microcosm of a universe along with you. I couldn't have asked for a better one. Each one of them is an incredible woman - beautiful, highly successful, generous, caring, intelligent...well, you get the picture. And, each of them has helped craft the unique perspective that I hope to share with you within these posts.

• A is the honest one who doesn't mince words. A force to be reckoned with in the sports business, she tells it like it is and is always there to keep us grounded.
  
• R is our mother hen. She is a self-made tech mogul under 30 with wit, charm and impeccable taste, ready to conquer the world. She also throws the best parties.
  
• K is the quiet one, working in event marketing. Once you know her though, she's one of the best allies you'll have, as well as quite the outgoing companion.
  
• M is the spicy one, working in HR, constantly running in races and then joining us for drinks afterward. She is a great balance of saucy & sweet, and she's always got your back.
  
• T rocks our socks off, there's not much more that I can say. Between a job in accounting, volunteering all over the city, moving a million miles a minute & being the fabulous girl that she is, she keeps us inspired & smiling.
  

These are my people - we keep each other sane, and of course we have a blast together.

Now, I'm not claiming to be an expert on any of this, what it means to be who we are as we try to define ourselves here. To be honest, I'm not even close. But my friends and I have a story full of questions and qualms and lessons and aspirations, and we're living in a place that gives us the opportunity to start figuring it all out. So take it as you will, and I hope you'll come along for the ride.